Honest Question: Do you ever feel like a failure as a Mom – Or what we call that “Mom Guilt” feeling, day in and day out. A few days ago I had one of *those* days. The baby wasn’t sleeping well and had been up half the night, I didn’t get to shower, the house was still a complete disaster from the busy week prior, and I was feeling extra sorry for myself because it was a Saturday and my husband was headed out to work for an extra long day of work.
I figured it was inevitable. The grouchiness, that is. I made a feeble effort to be kind but it was pretty well just a big ol’ snowball effect of slightly sharp tones, impatiently barked commands, cold cups of coffee, and way too many expectations. By the end of the day, I was nearly in tears. I was mad at my kids and mad at myself. The worst thing of all was the disconnect I felt from them as their little hearts and mine clashed and throbbed all day long.
I posted a status on my personal Facebook account about achieving an “F-minus” in motherhood. Sweet encouragement and words of truth began popping in on my status and in my inbox from mamas who’ve been there and totally get it. As wisdom and truth began to permeate my heart I could feel my lungs constricting slowly, my shoulders relaxing a tiny bit.
When you feel like a failure as a Mom, use these •Mom• truths to help you get your confidence back:
1. Our failures, weaknesses, and sins are not who we are.
So stop your inner talk when you feel like a failure as a Mom. You are an amazing Mom who sometimes has rough spots. Tomorrow will likely be better. Have you ever done the following as a Mom:
- Sometimes I hide in the bathroom
- And there are times I long for a free night with my husband or a quiet evening alone at home
- Think to myself: sometimes it’s…just…hard. Physically. Mentally. And emotionally.
- And when it comes to those menial tasks, it becomes monotonous and mundane. Boring.
- Long for a full night’s sleep or a long hot bath instead of being the taxi driver, washing and folding the laundry that never seems to be caught up, or it may just be that you’re tired of the same old, same old thing.
REMINDER: You are not alone because all Moms feel this way and it IS ok because you are a great Mom!
2. It is easier to believe the lies when you are tired and stressed.
Don’t let your sleep-deprived or stressed-out brain trick you into believing the junk being thrown your way. Stop it in its tracks, and your mood will likely improve. For example, I’ve had some crazy moments happen when I’m just simply out with my kids, such as:
- When someone sees me red-faced, struggling along with my brood, tired, back aching, trying to keep everyone safe as we navigate the massive and crowded pool parking lot, and they comment “you sure have your hands full” or “glad it’s you, not me”, I’m sorely tempted to agree with their assessment of the situation. BUT, I don’t agree with them, in fact, it makes me realize and affirm the beauty and sheer privilege that it is to know and raise up these precious little ones.
- When someone says, “Are they all yours?”, do you smile and say, “Yes, I am so blessed” and really mean it? When a full-time career woman with no children wonders aloud how you can handle being home with your young children all day, are you quick to tell her that you can’t imagine doing anything more fulfilling and that you love spending your days with your kids? Perhaps we need to tell our selves that we love being a mom (I do this in the mirror or when I’m scrolling through last weekend’s pictures on my phone) and we no longer believe or feel like a failure as a Mom.
REMINDER: Just nod your head at the negative people in the world because you are truly blessed (and they know it and you definitely know it).
3. It is the sum of days not just today that shape your kids.
Everybody has an off day now and then but it is the whole sum of a childhood that makes a kid who they are – not one bad day.
We all know that bad days happen, but make them fewer and farther between. Let your challenges serve as lessons, making you a woman of strength, kindness, loyalty, and patience.
Practice mothering with a purpose.
Whether you’ve been a mom for two months or two decades, you know the feeling of things piling up and spiraling out of control. You know the look you give yourself in the mirror, wishing you could wish, feeling like a failure, knowing something’s not right.
When you’re tempted to think you’re a failure, I want you to remember: YOU ARE NOT.
REMINDER: Have confidence in yourself.
4. The fact that you even care means that you can make a plan for improvement.
Instead of having a pity party, use your negative feelings to inspire a better plan for next time.
It isn’t selfish to focus on the things that keep you fueled, excited, motivated. Figure out a schedule that allows you to do one tiring task a day so that it’s not all at once or get together with your spouse and divide duties with him in a way that allows both of you to be motivated and energized.
REMINDER: Investing in yourself will help you feel better, be more patient, and loving to your family.
5. Your failures are a chance to model godly repentance.
Heaven knows your kids need to learn repentance too, right? Ahem.
Learning from your mistakes and doing it better the next time around will not only give you confidence but a chance for your kids to see that you are a strong and humble person. They will too know how to accept their behavior and confidently learn from their mistakes.
REMINDER: Your children will emulate what you do so with knowing that there is no such thing as perfect – and learning from those moments, will be everything your family needs, including you.
6. The Lord is full of grace and he is glorified by you admitting your failures
…and turning to him.“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God. You will not despise.”
Perfectionism is NOT a virtue. Often, we strive to be ‘perfect’ or do things ‘perfectly’, but that perfection doesn’t serve the people we love. Tear down the idol of the doing things perfectly and discover more time for the things—and the people—you love.
REMINDER: It’s ok to fail. No one is perfect.
7. We often fail when trying to do something we are not good at or gifted in.
Do as Paul instructs in Romans to “not think of yourself more highly than you ought”, and take stock of your gifts and personality in order to shape your mothering style. Don’t hop on board the “ought to” bandwagon – it’s plenty crowded already.
For example, I’m not the BEST at cleaning our home so I decided to incorporate the whole family to help out. I did this because I’m good at creating team work around the things we do and so I thought, why not let the whole family get involved. I make sure each family member is doing the task that they are best at and it works every time. We might even get ice cream afterward. haha
REMINDER: You don’t have to be great at everything and continue to feel like a failure as a Mom. Ask for help from your family and make it fun.
8. Your hard is hard.
Don’t berate yourself for “not handling things well” or for feeling overwhelmed. Realize that this season of mothering little ones is difficult whether you have an only child or a mini-van full, and don’t compare your hard to someone else’s. The moment you stop comparing will be the moment you stop feeling like a failure as a Mom
Motherhood is sacrificial: we give up ourselves, our dreams, and our goals. This can be good for a time, but not long-term.
REMINDER: Every Mom has their own battles and hard moments! Don’t let yourself feel alone on this journey. The hard moments will pass.
9. Those visions in your head of everyone else’s house being cleaner than yours? Not true.
Maybe some are cleaner, but certainly not everyone’s. Ahem, *cough, cough* not mine!
It’s ok to clean less or pick up the backyard when you’re in the mood. Let your house be a home. I love it when my parents stop by and say “I remember those days when the toys were sprawled out in the living room and their socks were dangling from the stairwell.” This makes me smile because it reminds me that time goes by fast and I need to not worry so much about keeping up with this fictitional vision that everyone else has a cleaner home than mine – I simply say, who cares. Let’s live and not feel like a failure as a Mom.
REMINDER: L-i-v-e in your house and make sure it’s a home. These are the best kind of homes to be raised in.
10. It’s ok to go to bed super early.
Sometimes it’s best to just bid the day farewell and pull the covers up. Sometimes your best strategy is to get some extra rest and try again tomorrow.
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. –Ralph Waldo Emerson
REMINDER: Sleep is necessary for all Moms! Don’t overdo it and then feel like a failure as a Mom (because you are not, even on your worse day).
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Do you ever feel like a failure as a mom?
The Vinegar Myth: Vinegar as a Natural Cleaner Dos and Don’ts
Sometimes the right message comes along on the right day and this was it for me. sometimes it feels as though ‘society’ is full of messages about how you can and should be better.. a better mom, better looking, better home, better, better better. sometimes I just remind myself that comparison with others is a sure and fast way to have the joy sucked out of my life. So here’s to being content and mindful of this beautiful day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it. 🙂
Yes! To being content and mindful! Thanks Celeste 🙂
So lovely! I think these pearls of wisdom can apply to many things in life besides parenting, as well. And I LOVE that Emerson quote! Thanks so much for sharing.
I have loved that quote pretty well since… I became a mother! Haha! 🙂
Wonderful reminders. I really needed this encouragement today. Thank you so much for sharing!
Thanks for reading, Jenni! 🙂
There could not have been a more perfectly timed post. I had an “I suck” meltdown just last night. As both a mother of two and a step-mother to three more, I often feel the sting of failure. I just have to remember that I have the best weapon in the world against the feelings that are trying to claw me down – my God! I think we moms too often forget that we aren’t expected to carry everything all by ourselves. He WANTS us to hand it over. Thank you for your encouraging post that helps remind me of just that.
Thanks for reading! I pray that you continue to allow truth to seep down into your soul as you receive grace! Be blessed.
God gives children to imperfect parents. He knew you wouldn’t be perfect at it, and that we would need Him. When we are weak, He is strong. Offer it all up to Him, good and bad, He is greater than our mistakes and greater than our sin. We should never underestimate His ability to bring something good out of a seemingly not so good situation.
Thanks for the encouragement, Donna!
REALLY great thoughts…thanks for posting this! Good reminders…I should print this list and keep it for those days. Thanks for sharing, Beth!
I am so glad it resonated with you, Michelle. Blessings to you.
Yes! Thank you so much… I think I need to print this and put it on my fridge. 🙂 So often I beat myself up on those hard days, and think I’m the worst mom ever. It’s so good to know I’m not the only one who does that, and to have some practical truths to remember. I’m sharing this with my (in)couraging working moms group, because I know some of them need to hear it too!
Thanks for sharing, Amanda. So glad it blessed you!
Thanks for this post, I stumbled on it somewhere on my surfing this morning. I just last night had a meltdown telling my husband what a failure I feel like..only after I picked a fight with him!
I know that feeling all to well. Oh mercy, do I ever! So thankful for grace. Thanks for reading!
Thank you so much for the courage to write something I think we all feel slightly embarrassed by. The feeling of failure stinks, but when it’s put into perspective, like you said, we are able to look at the big picture and ask God for more grace tomorrow. Again, thank you for the encouragement!
Thank-you for reading, Julianna 🙂
had so many of those days and it took God breaking me and driving me to my knees. I realized there was nothing I could do to improve upon myself and so I finally gave up all the struggles. As a result He broke me down even further and then remade me. It was all Him. I just recently wrote about it on my blog.
So glad to hear that you are learning to lean on Christ. That is something that so many of us struggle with!
Wow….this was so timely! I had one of those ‘bad days’ yesterday. I’ve felt a bit as though I’ve ruined our children, and our relationship is irreparable- Truly just lies that I was choosing to believe. And that was so insightful about choosing to make a plan to change things. I think I set myself up for being constantly critical with my children. Instead I need to create more situations where we are just exploring, creating, or having fun. Then the kiddos can hear me being happy and encouraging, instead of always critical (don’t touch that, stop spilling this, don’t hit your sister…..). Then it feels like my voice is simply negative background noise. I’ve also realized that sometimes I don’t nip a bad behavior in the butt before it blows up. I need to be firm with enforcing our rules right away, rather than letting it go on and on until I suddenly snap. So need God’s help for today! I guess that’s a great place to be 🙂
Yup, I need to get better at that too – setting us up for success, planning ahead. Makes all the difference in the world, right?
I love this!! I just had my 5th baby 3 weeks ago, and my oldest is 5. Even though my baby is only 3 weeks old, I still feel guilty for not doing more school work with my older kids, letting them watch more videos than normal, and just letting them play outside instead of being more structured. It’s so silly. I especially love your point that our hard is hard. Thanks for sharing!!
Oh mama – you are amazing. 5 babies? You are blessed indeed (and probably kinda tired, lol). Please, please let go of the guilt. Your first priority is just love those kiddos and keep ’em warm and fed and clothed. Everything else is gravy. Keep on, mama, you are doing great!
Good reminders that apply to many aspects of all our lives, even if our children are grown.
Yes, I was thinking about that as I wrote it – that these truths can apply to so many things in life.
Thank you! I fell asleep last night after one of “those”days, trying not to berate myself yet failing at that too and just asking the Lord to speak truth and encouragement to me tomorrow, that is, today! And here is some, thank you!
You are so welcome, I’m glad it blessed you! 🙂
Thank you.
love to you! Thanks for reading!
Wow, how I wish I had this 20some years ago when my son was little. I have always said God only gave me one child because he didn’t want to risk my screwing up another one. Truth is that I honestly believe that. Maybe if someone had told me these things so much would have been different.
Thank you for this now. I will pass it on to those who need it now. May be it isn’t too late for some of it to soak into me too.
I pray you are encouraged in your role as mom, even as mom to an adult child! Blessings to you.
THANKS! God is so amazingly gracious. So much of what you posted resonates with me. Blessings to you.
And to you, Krissy 🙂
Love these! I should probably print this out and put it on my fridge :). Numbers 3, 5, 8, and 10 are my favs. Not comparing your lot to someone else’s is probably the cure to a whole host of problems…
So true, right? Thanks for reading.
Yesterday must have just been one of those days for a lot of mothers. I am a mother to two and watch my niece most days and am expecting our third. I don’t know what was so particularly hard about the day, but I fell asleep with tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart that I am just not cut out for this job. #8 really spoke to me. Today was a new day thought. Thank you for this post! God bless!
Oh man, I empathize with the rough days while pregnant. Being pregnant with our third, near the end, was one of the roughest spots of my entire mothering career. The good news is that it gets better… you won’t be pregnant forever… and you really are the best mama (and auntie) for those kiddos! (I watch my niece too 🙂 )
Thank you! It has been one of THOSE days. You lifted me up.
You are welcome, I appreciate you being here!
Thank you. Breathing deeper and calmer already. Also after one of those days yesterday my daughter (as I was reading your post) handed me a heart with. Mum is the best mum in he world. On it. They definitely don’t see us as we think they do.
Thanks for reading, Anna. So glad it blessed you.
In anticipation of some bad days – I have a few note cards with inspiring thoughts….two that help me a lot: “the days are long…but the years are short.” and “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!” Another thought as I read this, I have kids ranging from 8-15. The baby and toddler years were tough – especially due to sleep deprivation – but the school aged years are a different tough – dealing with social issues, etc. I just have to focus on the good and not dwell on the bad days or mistakes. Thanks.
“The days are long but the years are short” is one of those cliches that makes me think every time. It may be oft-repeated, but it is SO true!
This post is so important for moms to read. I had almost a year of feeling like a terrible mom. With my oldest son on a prodigal journey and one of my daughters struggling as she entered puberty, my world was severely rocked. I needed the words you wrote today. The point about our failures not being who we are is especially significant. My husband and I examined every area of life including our parenting styles, where we lived, some of our theology, and our own unbiblical responses to life. All of that was good and needed to happen! But at the end of the day, we are all still children of God, in need of a Savior, forgiven because of His blood shed for us. All of us have “those” days, and some of us have to walk through a season of such day. Your post offers wisdom for either situation.
Thanks for sharing, Heather. Yes, that truth is so freeing, isn’t it? I love it.
#3!!! I’ve had a similar week- sharp with the kids & DH, finally completely lost it the other night…”do not discipline in anger” can be very hard! Less than 12 hours later, my sweet daughter completed a DrawQuest (draw your superhero) with a drawing of me…as SuperMom. To say I cried would be a drastic understatement.
Thank you for posting this.
Thank you so much for this post! I believe we’ve all had one of those days with our children. We’re just not often brave enough to talk about it and share with other moms in case we are judged. Thanks for sharing.
This past Sunday I had one of these ‘F-minus mornings’. I am always the first up in my house on Sunday, which annoys me but shouldn’t! My husband’s work schedule is 6 days a week so Sunday is his only day to sleep past 6am. So while I am up getting myself ready, brewing coffee, making a quick breakfast, laying our 3yo clothes out, the 2 men of my house are asleep. We had 13 minutes to get out of the house on time for church and my precious little boy objected to every piece of clothing in his dresser and closet, ugh! He only wanted to wear his jammies to church. After trying to coerce him gently, bribe, threaten to take away things, nothing worked. Now sufficiently late, I lost it. I definitely needed church once we got out of the house. But I am so thankful that’s where we were headed. I hugged my son extra tight and kissed his face, and told him I was sorry for yelling as I dropped him off to Sunday school. Throughout the worship service I sobbed. I asked God to forgive me for falling short as a mother, and prayed I be filled patience. I never want my son to feel belittled. Our children are so precious, innocent and pure in their young ages and I want my son to revel in this time of his life as it will not always be this way. I am so thankful that my son was very happy to see me when I picked him up from Sunday school. As if my terrible morning never happened. And I am so thankful that it was just that a terrible morning, not day!
Friday, I thought to myself, “This has just been a bad mom day.” But then another thought followed: “Hold up. Are you a bad mom? No. You love your son. What did you do for Noah today? You fed him healthy meals, hugged him and told him you loved him multiple times, and read him stories when he was upset. Sure, you spent too much time online and didn’t interact with him as much as usual–but you weren’t a BAD mom. You were a DISTRACTED mom, which is NOT the same thing. It’s okay to forgive yourself and do better next time.”
As mothers, I think we are so quick to label ourselves as “bad” or “F-” when we aren’t perfect. But having an “off” day does not equal “bad.” Thank you for this essay!
My daughter is 24 and I was a failure as a mother.
If your daughter IS 24, then you didn’t fail as A MOTHER.
One word: FABULOUS!!!
I think we all need to read this from time to time, whether we are new, young mothers with little ones or whether we are seasoned mothers struggling with teenagers. Thank you for the words of encouragement!
Thanks you for this… I bookmarked this, knowing I would have days when I needed it again. Today is one of those days. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I thank God that I ran into this site looking for homemade carpet freshners! This article was a blessing of encouragement that I surely needed! I have been really stressed lately because it seems that I am having difficulty doing anything right… I really needed to read those words!
We’re so hard on ourselves! I was thinking today about all the opportunities I have missed out with my daughter, because I was struggling with a situation this past year. But then I took her to the movies last night, and she couldn’t stop dancing around, and wanted nothing more than for me to join in…so I did! She is so joyful, so in the moment, so observant of everything around her, and so confident. She has a disability, but she has never been told “you can’t.” Right now, she wants to be a scholar, a sailor, and a hair dresser! I have realized that, in spite of my mess ups, I have done something right. 🙂
Bethany